Mother Daughter Chit Chat.

I think a lot of my best mothering happens in the car.  We stop and get a treat somewhere (snow cones tonight), we put on some songs (Nicki Minaj was on the radio), everyone has their own space, their own window to look out, and their own thoughts floating in their own brains.

Out of the blue Victoria piped up with this, "Mom, when you get mad at me, it makes my heart feel sad."

I got mad at Victoria today.  Like hours and hours before.  She wasn't listening, wasn't helping, wasn't obeying.  SO. MUCH. WHINING.  Eight hours later she was ready to talk about it.

I replied with zero attitude (surprised?), "You know what makes my heart sad?  When my kids ignore me and don't help me.  I also feel sad when you guys get sick or when you are hurt.  I feel sad when you feel sad."

Charlotte's turn.  "My heart feels happy right now because I have a snow cone."

I observed a conversation today about motherhood.  I didn't participate, mostly because I couldn't 100% relate.  A lot of my friends feel like the choice to become mothers was made for them by their culture.  And not only the choice, but the timing too.  That it was bumped up the timeline to be in front of careers and schooling and figuring out who the hell you are as your own individual adult person.  Marriage and family first, individuation second (or maybe never at all).  And now here they are with more kids than they thought possible and with so many confusing and contradictory feelings on the matter.  Maybe they feel like they relinquished control over their lives in order to follow a certain plan.  Maybe they feel like they got lost along the way.  Maybe they don't know what they want to be when they grow up but they know that being a mother maybe wouldn't have been their first choice, but they didn't have the voice to say it before.

I have been thinking all day about why I don't think the choice to have these kids was made for me.  I belong to a culture that basically believes in one certain kind of family.  When I was a young teen and my family suddenly didn't fit the mold, I became a defensive member of the culture.  A tiny wall came up, protecting my heart and my feelings about my family of origin from this ideal that didn't apply anymore.  I still don't have it figured out, but I think something about this shift in my perception helped me slow the pace of my eventual family so that everything happened in a way that I really wouldn't change.  I proceeded with caution, I proceeded with fear maybe, and I definitely followed my own timeline, mostly disregarding the typical Mormon life plan.

I did marry young--21.  And I was horrified to do so.  I had a nervous breakdown just about every single day of our six-month engagement.  Court had to talk me off the ledge 100 times.  I was afraid of marriage.  I was afraid of temple marriage.  I wanted him, and every evening when I saw his face I knew I wanted him and I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.  I realized soon after we were married that being married is actually fun.  It was an easy transition.  Not too much to be afraid of.

We started having children seven and a half years later.  Did we take our time because we were smart?  Did we take our time because I was scared?  I don't really know, but all that time between marriage and family gave me a chance to start this really fun career that I have.  It's quite possibly just dumb luck and has nothing to do with some wise choice we made.  I'll take dumb luck anytime I can get it.

So now I'm here with two young kids and a part-time career that feeds me socially and artistically and financially.  I'm a sporadic housekeeper but I'm a good cook and I will always choose to do something fun with my kids over making sure the laundry is folded and the floor is swept.  My schedule can feel hectic and my weeks fly by, but I usually feel like I'm maintaining some sort of a balance. 

I guess I'm glad I have that feeling of defensiveness that started twenty or so years ago.  It was a small crack in the mold and because of that I think my life turned out a little differently than a lot of my friends'.  I felt prepared to have kids by the time they came around.  I don't have feelings of resentment.  Sure, they piss me off sometimes and I feel like they are picking on me and I yell at them more than I should, but I have these sweet little girl chats with them in the car where we talk about our feelings and we love each other so much I want to pull the car over and jump in the back seat and squeeze those little girls tight and give them a pinch on the buns.

They make me so happy.  My prayer for them is that they'll know who they are.  That it won't have a label predetermined by me or by Court or by a culture or a society.  That they will choose schooling, choose friends, choose hobbies, choose partners, choose jobs, choose families using their own internal compasses.  The world is your oyster, little girls.

Watching U2 on youtube with Daddy.