Mom of the year.
I have often pondered writing a parenting book. For the sake of laziness I'm going to make it an e-book. No purchase necessary (but I love tips and I accept PayPal).
How To Be a Kick Butt Mom In Three Easy Steps
Chapter One: Get your kid attached to a lovey item as soon as possible. The best choice for this is a pink teddy bear (unless you have a son combined with a husband who believes in traditional gender roles). You might want to make sure it has been tested by NASA to withstand weekly trips through the washing machine and huge amounts of OxyClean. When Victoria was the fussiest baby on the planet I would hold her pink bear near her face while I shushed and bounced her. Soon she associated the bear with comfort and sleep. Ahhhh. And then I took a nap. The lovey item, when appropriately introduced and applied, will have the tranquilizing effects of a dart gun. My kid will go from full-blown tantrum to puddle of cuddly sweetness with just one deep sniff of a grimy pink bear paw. It’s pure magic.
Chapter Two: Get yourself a nice sturdy pizza cutter. Use it to cut all of your child’s food into bite size pieces. Waffles, pancakes, chicken, vegetables, pizza, eggs, fruit, sushi, whatever. You. Are. Welcome. And now you probably won’t end up with carpal tunnel. Phew!
Chapter Three: This one is also food related, which is appropriate because 40% of your career as a mom will be spent in the kitchen being a short-order cook. The lesser known statistic is that you will spend the other 60% of your mom career trying to get your kids to eat the dang food that you put on their plate. This one is easy-peasy. Fix a nice nutritious meal for your child. Put it in front of her with a fork. Wipe her tears and give her an Academy Award for best dramatic performance by a four year old. Tell her to get back in her seat 16 times. Tell her to stop putting the fork in her hair. Tell her in your sweet mom voice to please try a few bites. Beg her in your exhausted mom voice to please just have one freaking bite of each item. Count how many times you have said “You have got to be kidding me.” (At this point I’m up to about 8.) Start bargaining. One package of fruit snacks for each crumb of vegetable consumed. And maybe a car. OR… just give her a plate of nutritious food and one toothpick. For some reason eating with a toothpick is insanely fun. Watch her eat all of her broccoli and sweet potatoes and then ask for seconds. Voila, success!!
And that is it! You are now a kick butt mom. Thanks for reading and stay tuned for my sequel, which hopefully will be about how to prevent your teenage daughters from dating until they are married.
Labels:
domestic goddess,
parenting
12 comments:
Love it! I'm going through the food fight with Quinn these days...he won't eat any meal i put in front of him, but will eat wheat thins all day long if i let him. Ashli loves eating fruit salad with a toothpick (or stick as she calls it).
I am very excited for volume #2.
I may try the toothpick trick with Alexa, who is seven, and although she tries not to hurt my feelings always has a look of fear whenever she sits at my table. She also tries to convince me that she has already tried whatever I have prepared at her Mom's house. Which is impossible. Because everything her Mom cooks is from a box.
Thanks Kate. Here is your mother-scratchin' comment. Perhaps with your parenting advice I may reconsider my decision not to have children of my own. :)
Totally agree about the lovies. I think Audrey has 3 lovies now ... whatever! She sleeps all night so I'm not complaining.
Our current food battle is not about food at all but about water. I swear, my child will not drink. She has the driest, cracked lips and horrible breath despite brushing twice a day. I have to bribe, threaten and coerce her to drink water. It's ridiculous.
Brilliant! My 3rd is the first one to have a lovey and she sucks her thumb. I would recommend both full heartedly. I'm not looking forward to when I gotta get her to stop the thumb but it's way better than a binkie, that's for sure!
WOW!! That's all it takes? I need to invest in a box of toothpicks, then! Thanks for the idea!
Love it!! Hey, maybe we should collaborate our ideas. You know, the black washcloth is genius & so are your ideas. :)
Where were you when I was having children? Oh, that's right. You WERE a child. Well, crap. At least it's not too late to use those miracle ideas with grandchildren. Excellent, excellent...especially the toothpicks! LOVE it!
The pizza slicer thing is so true. We have gone through more pizza slicers than I can count, but I don't count that high.
You really should write a book. You would beat that annoying couple that writes all the parenting books. They Eyres.
You rock. You should totally write a book!
LOL! My son now eats a banana as soon as he wakes up because he thinks it means he can then eat chocolate.
Awesome! Thanks! My mom did the pizza cutter thing and I can't wait to put it to use.
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